No, I’m Not Okay and That’s Okay

The depth of your grief is equal to the depth of your love. My grief knows no end. It will be with me forever.

Now before you think this will be a self-pity, o’ woe is me post, I want to clarify one thing: I’m not okay. And that is okay. I can’t let grief consume me. I unpack it daily in tiny doses, then I put it back away. It’s hard to deal with my own feelings when I’m also delicately balancing those of my four-year-old. I scream and cry and beat my bed pillows regularly, absolutely consumed by grief. But there are also times when I smile and even laugh! I still mourn what was supposed to be (and what SHOULD be), but nothing will change the fact that my Judson is in heaven.

Grief will still be with me no matter what joy enters my life. I promised Jud until death do us part, but as far as I am concerned, he and I are still married. He’s just out of town right now. Judson was not only the love of my life; he was my very best friend. He had the BEST sense of humor. He and I had so little, yet so much in common. Does that make sense? I don’t know, but it does to me.

I met Judson Bounds in 2014 when he was doing his co-op engineering work from Mississippi State University. He got sent to good ole Purvis, and I knew on our very first date that he was the man I would marry. It took me three years to convince him, but alas, we did marry! (My father-in-law has yet to come to terms with this! Ha!) Together we traveled to five countries, adopted more animals than he ever wanted (my fault), and of course we had sweet Liam. Jud wanted a son, but I don’t think he ever imagined that our son would be just like me!

Jud was diagnosed with stage IV metastatic esophageal cancer in August 2021. It had already spread to the liver and lymph nodes by the time it was found. But Judson was 100% certain he would beat cancer. As far as I am concerned, he did. His heart attack was the result of so much stress from the liver surgeries. He never doubted for a second that he would be healed this side of heaven. I didn’t either. That’s why I feel so foolish. Where did that confidence come from?

Jud passed on June 2oth at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. I never left his side. I still haven’t. I am continuing to live and help oversee farm operations because it was what Jud wanted for our family. He loved growing up on a farm and wanted nothing less for Liam. So even though the idea of me on a farm gives most of you Green Acres flashbacks, I am living for Jud right now. It’s what I want to do.

I’m doing a lot of things I want to do: Liam and I are spending extra-special time together, traveling, and enjoying summer activities. I’m having a great time working as a travel agent for GG Luxury Travel and adding destinations to my personal bucket list every day. I’m just looking for little bits of happiness wherever I can. Even though Jud isn’t here to experience it with me, I know he wants me and Liam to live our best lives.

Life is short. No matter how much you try not to think about it, death is a real and present event. I pray Judson’s passing reminds us of God’s everlasting love for us. We only have so much time to accept Jesus’s free gift of grace. I asked the pastor at Jud’s funeral to give the gospel presentation because I knew there was one unbeliever there. I’m sure there were others, but I wanted that one to hear it straight from Jud’s life story.

Do you know Jesus? If so, you and I will see Judson again. If you’re unsure, please reach out to me at any time. Nothing would please Jud or honor his memory more than for you to come to know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior.

So, no, I’m not doing okay. And that is okay. Thank you for asking.