Find Me Faithful

I refuse to settle for a mediocre life.

I believe my life matters. I want my days to be intentional, filled with decisions based on biblical values. That’s why I sat down to write today. What started as thoughts twirling around in my head – and there are a LOT of those – I decided to write them down. But publishing these thoughts is a little harder. I have been told bloggers must have a lot of time on their hands. They need to find something to do. That blogging is prideful and self-centered. Well, I am no blogger. You can look at my history to see I am anything but consistent. I just like sharing my family time like an online scrapbook if you will. I also like to write. Personally, I think God has given me the “gift of gab”, and I am able to communicate well through words. That’s why I have written so many devotionals here on my site. I don’t know how many people read these posts, but I want to show up for those who do. And your life matters too.

I believe God has given you and me the capacity and the ability to grow stronger each day. We have the God-given right to live courageously, with great faith, and to become persons of considerable influence. We have wonderful potential. But we are not naturally strong. Or good. We have to make that decision ourselves.

Many of you have reached out asking how Liam and I are doing. You can read my post here on how it’s okay to not be okay. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

I am making a lot of decisions lately. For me, Liam, our home, and future. This is going to be a big year. We are in a time of testing. Apparently, a very LONG time of testing. You see, a time of testing will be the making of your faith and the humbling of your heart. It will shape your character and write your story. I have to choose not to waste this time with a bad attitude. When my mother was sick, my family adopted a poorly thought-out tradition to never show weakness or emotion. I still don’t. At least, I try not to. I choose to trust God and live faithfully in this juncture, believing that God will make this time of testing a time of favor and honor for me and my family.

I ask myself, “How can I bring grace, beauty, and order to each day, and live as though it is a place of worship?” I’m trying to be joyful, practice being thankful, and I look to see God’s fingerprints throughout the day. Liam needs me to be a happy mother, and I am failing constantly. I’m trying to live by faith, even though I feel foolish for believing Judson would be healed on earth. My compassion for those who are lonely, living on little income, and who are forced to overcome seemingly impossible circumstances is growing from this new-found humility I’ve had to swallow.

God still remains faithful and true. I have lived a life sprinkled with his favor, miracles, and blessing. I want to share, from this perspective of deep gratitude and wisdom, what I have learned along the way. Sally Clarkson once said, “A radical life for Christ is not always visible to outside eyes.” I am attempting to record and share the beauty, goodness, and truth from a time of miserable testing.

As for how Liam and I are doing after losing Jud, I have come to understand the real meaning of love and commitment. While we were only been married 5.5 years, it felt much longer.  One humble day after another, I became more understanding, more accepting, and more thankful for my husband than I ever could have imagined. I have taken responsibility for my choices, attitude, and actions, knowing they will have consequences for eternity. I understand that my integrity is built when no one but Christ is looking. When you choose to bow your knee and submit to the varied circumstances of your life, God WILL do miracles.

These desert years have become the deepest blessings of my life.