3 Years Later…

Hello, friends.

Three years have now passed since Judson went home to be with the Lord. So much has changed. Yet, so little has changed. As per usual, I took off to avoid my emotions on his death anniversary. The boys and I were in Eastern Canada.

While there I made a post on social media about his anniversary that received a lot of likes and comments. It got me thinking.

I said I’m still devastated and still angry. I gave birth to our second child without him. I had to find a completely differently career path just to pay our bills. I lost my faith. I lost my sense of self. Everything I held to with great assurance was gone in an instant. I’ve spent the last three years rebuilding everything I once knew and believed.

After that post I determined it was time for an update here, I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I feel our story is a testimony of God’s faithfulness, one that should be shared.

After Judson passed away, I felt like I had lost so much more than him. I lost my security, safety, future plans, and the ability to have more children. I lost my sense of self because Judson and I were truly one. I lost my faith. I felt lied to by God. And friends and family who were there for me at the beginning eventually faded away. Some for good.

In the receiving line at the visitation, I had TWO people ask me what my plans were and to let them know when the farm was going up for sale. I even had to write a general post on Facebook stating NO land was up for sale at either farm. Everyone just expected me to leave Newton. After all, I’m not from here. Small towns can be finicky. Almost every single friendship I made with and through Judson have faded away. They cared when Jud was sick, but after he was gone, who was I?

Right after the funeral I ran. I had to get out of Newton. I wasn’t necessarily running from anything. I don’t really care what people think or say. I left because EVERYTHING revolved around Judson. The farm, the lodge, all the animals I adopted trying to save just one when I couldn’t save him, the town… how was I supposed to heal when I literally assumed Judson’s life? So, I got out.

Four days after the burial, Liam, my mother-in-law, and I took off for Space Camp. It was dark and terribly stormy while we were there. Even the power went off when we were in the Saturn V Hall. It was a kind of reset for me. Their lights went off; mine came on. I did not necessarily have to go home.

I was and am still a travel agent. I can go anywhere. Liam was four. He didn’t have to go to K4 the next month as I had planned. There wasn’t a single thing I could do to help the farm. My sabbatical year took thought.

I told my dad I was not going to make any decisions for a year. Other than the necessary ones, of course. I didn’t shuck life’s responsibilities. But I had a health insurance extension from Jud’s policy, I had enough income at the time to pay my bills, and nothing was keeping me at home.

Our Sabbatical Year was the best worst year of my life. Now two more years have passed. Just in that short time, Liam and I have visited 33 states and 7 countries bringing my total to 46 states and 13 countries, some more than once. Baby Jud is at 4 countries in just 19 months! I became a college professor and eventually a private school teacher. I have been the subject of much gossip (Judson Jr.). I lost a beloved cat and dog (I still have 11 pets total). I’ve lost a close family member to estranged silence. I had to give up my beloved Meistersingers I performed with for 13 years because I just couldn’t add one more thing to my schedule.

I am not okay. Nor do I have to be. That’s the beauty of Christ. His grace is sufficient. I am thankful Judson isn’t suffering. I’m thankful that season of purgatory is over and the boys and I could begin our next chapter. That does not mean the previous chapter was cut out of the book, nor does that mean we’ve “moved on”. This is what healthy emotional healing looks like.

Here’s what I learned and experienced:

• Grief follows you everywhere. No matter where in the world I am, the loneliness and agony was with me.
• God is with you everywhere as well. I could never flee from his presence, his love, or his plans for me.
• My in-laws are my second set of parents. We’re still family even without Judson’s presence.
• I registered as a farm owner and operator. I somehow quit living my own life and tried to start living his. Not a good idea.
• Liam is struggling more than people see.
• The greatest, most unexpected blessing has been baby Judson. But boy, did I take some blows for how he came into this world…

God has truly blessed Judson, Liam, and me. We’ve learned to carry our burdens with us. I don’t know what the next year holds for us, but I do know we will be following God’s plan whatever that may be.

Thank you for your prayers!