The Desert Years

I refuse to settle for a mediocre life.

I believe my life matters. I want my days to be intentional, filled with decisions based on biblical values. That’s why I sat down to write today. What started as thoughts twirling around in my head – and there are a LOT of those – I decided to write them down. But publishing these thoughts is a little harder. I have been told bloggers must have a lot of time on their hands. They need to find something to do. That blogging is prideful and self-centered. Well, I am no blogger. You can look at my history to see I am anything but consistent. I just like sharing my family time like an online scrapbook if you will. I also like to write. Personally, I think God has given me the “gift of gab”, and I am able to communicate well through words. That’s why I have written so many devotionals here on my site. I don’t know how many people read these posts, but I want to show up for those who do. And your life matters too.

I believe God has given you and me the capacity and the ability to grow stronger each day. We have the God-given right to live courageously, with great faith, and to become persons of considerable influence. We have wonderful potential. But we are not naturally strong. Or good. We have to make that decision ourselves.

I am making a lot of decisions lately. For me, Judson, Liam, our home, and finances. We are in a time of testing. Apparently, a very LONG time of testing. Usually after 20 months of cancer treatments, you are either in remission or, well, you know. Trust me, we are THANKFUL to still be in the season of testing. You see, a time of testing will be the making of your faith and the humbling of your heart. It will shape your character and write your story. I have to choose not to waste this time with a bad attitude. When my mother was sick, my family adopted a poorly thought-out tradition to never show weakness or emotion. I still don’t. At least, I try not to. I choose to trust God and live faithfully in this juncture, believing that God will make this time of testing a time of favor and honor for me and my family.

I ask myself, “How can I bring grace, beauty, and order to each day, and live as though it is a place of worship?” I’m trying to be joyful, practice being thankful, and I look to see God’s fingerprints throughout the day. Liam needs me to be a happy mother, and I am failing constantly. I’m trying to live by faith, choosing to believe that the Holy Spirit revealed to us that Judson would not die but live to declare the works of the Lord. My compassion for those who are lonely, living on little income, and who are forced to overcome seemingly impossible circumstances is growing from this new-found humility I’ve had to swallow.

God still remains faithful and true. I have lived a life sprinkled with his favor, miracles, and blessing. I want to share, from this perspective of deep gratitude and wisdom, what I have learned along the way. Sally Clarkson once said, “A radical life for Christ is not always visible to outside eyes.” So yes, I am blogging again. I am attempting to record and share the beauty, goodness, and truth from a time of miserable testing.

As for Judson, we have come to understand the real meaning of love and commitment. While we’ve only been married 5.5 years, it feels much longer. The hard work we have shared over these last 20 months has shaped us, our marriage, and our parenting. One humble day after another, we become more understanding, more accepting, and more thankful for each other than we ever could have imagined. I have taken responsibility for my choices, attitude, and actions, knowing they will have consequences for eternity. I understand that my integrity is built when no one but Christ is looking. When you choose to bow your knee and submit to the varied circumstances of your life, God WILL do miracles.

These desert years have become the deepest blessings of my life.